By Eilene Lyon
The Slide Years is a series in which I select an image my dad took from 1957-1982 with Kodachrome slide film, then I write a stream-of-consciousness essay – a sort of mini-memoir.
There’s something so prescient about this picture, taken at Christmas time in 1980 or 1981. As far as I know, it’s the last picture of the five of us together as a family. From the brick fireplace in the background I can tell it is the house in Cleveland Heights. I was a freshmen or sophomore at the University of Cincinnati that year, so I was the only one not living there at the time.
My dad and older brother, Steve, have faint smiles, but no one else looks particularly festive. (Don’t you just love Dad’s Guatemalan jacket – a size too small?) I don’t recall having any inkling that there was anything amiss between my parents at the time – just their normal level of antipathy towards one another. It would be another year or two before they announced their intention to divorce.
My brothers tended to gravitate in Mom’s orbit, while I did in Dad’s. Perhaps that’s why my siblings and I took the split in different ways. They were absolutely crushed at the thought of our parents not being together any longer. Conversely, I hoped they would finally find the happiness apart that they couldn’t seem to find with each other.
They decided to use an arbitrator to settle the matter amicably, but afterward, it hit Mom like a sucker punch and she flipped out for a while, damaging property and acting out in anger. My brothers tended to steer clear and when I came home for visits, it would fall on me like a ton of bricks.
The worst of it came when she found out that my brothers and I had agreed to participate in my Dad’s upcoming wedding, just four months after the divorce. In retrospect, I wish we had not done that. It had to seem cruel and traitorous to Mom.
Divorce is downright common, but every one leaves wrack in its wake. My siblings and I struggled to find durable, loving relationships. We all married fairly late. I was 37, my brothers, in their mid- to late-40s. That may have been just as much a result of growing up in an unloving household as from the break-up of it, though.
On the upside, once the three of us decided to make the leap, we’ve stuck by our mates for the duration. Fingers crossed!
It saddens me that children think they need to take sides. I have read that while the adults get over the divorce, it takes children years to process the fallout.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I think in our case we tried to be supportive of both parents, but that doesn’t necessarily work out. One parent clearly needed more emotional support than the other.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes. That happens.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, that was the case was my husband and I split up. Our daughter was six. She didn’t get herself straightened out until she was in her 30s.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Same with mine. I guess we gave them material to grow with….
LikeLiked by 2 people
I suppose even children whose parents don’t divorce find they have challenges in life. It all depends on the child and the substance of their coping mechanisms
LikeLiked by 1 person
True.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I always wonder how we are affected by our parents relationships….there’s so much I could say, but it’s all a jumble in my head…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I used to wonder how our lives would have been different if my parents had not chosen to stay together “for the sake of the kids.” But it’s a pointless exercise.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exactly. I don’t know if it really matters in the long run
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m okay, you’re okay.😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
😝
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am so sorry that you and your siblings went through this. No marriage is perfect, but staying when you are making not only yourselves miseraable but also your children isn’t good for anyone.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, at least we were all adults when the end came.
LikeLiked by 2 people
How bittersweet to revisit the time when that photo was taken. You were all together, yet not happy.
I am wondering, are the decorations on the wall from Guatemala? They look very similar to Mexican crafts made with yarn, symbolizing God’s all-seeing eye.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, those would be some things we brought back from Guatemala. I may do some posts about some of my Central American “artifacts.”
LikeLike
Awesome, thanks, Eilene!
LikeLiked by 1 person
What a sad story, I can’t imagine living with someone you no longer love. I’m glad the three of you are doing better.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Anabel. It all happened so, so long ago, it hardly seems relevant.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Staying together for the sake of the kids was the way it was when and where I grew up. Divorce was rare, and any child who resulted in a subsequent marriage paid the price. Small town gossip…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh the things we find to be cruel to one another about. So petty!!
LikeLike
Fantastic post, Eilene. Thanks for sharing such personal memories. Recently my husband and I were talking about how fortunate we are during this stay-at-home order that we actually like each other. Even in normal situations, living with someone you don’t love or respect must feel like a prison, now it would be magnified.
Good for you and your brothers taking your time building relationships. That was smart!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Christi. Yes, it must be horrible for some couples right now. I think domestic violence is on the rise. We’re very fortunate here. We have space and enjoy the time we spend together and apart.
LikeLike
I really like this series, you have a direct, compact style of writing….a family’s story in 7 short paragraphs!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Jim. Sometimes I think perhaps I’m too blunt or insensitive. I appreciate your feedback.
LikeLiked by 1 person